Dateline: Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
July 15, 2014
In what many are calling a major coup for the establishment,
the internet has blocked famed news outlet Bloid News, from publishing their
latest edition. What secrets have these insipid reporters uncovered to get the
entire internet rallied to halt its release? Is it just a digital flaw as some
suggest or is there something in the news for which the world just is not
ready?
We begin this article in the office of Bloid News founder
and Editor in Chief, Rick Giernoth. Many people see this mild mannered author
as unimposing, but when he sinks his teeth into a news story, even the world
powers quake in fear. When I walked in this morning to complain that my
articles have not shown up on the website, I saw Rick, already hunched over his
keyboard typing furiously. After brushing me away, I decided to take my
problems to the source of the situation: in the darkest corner of the lowest
floor, I headed to the computer core to talk to Red, our in house computer
guru, Geek Squad and Apple Genius.
I have never known of the door to the computer core to be
locked before and my crisp knock was answered with a shriek from inside
ordering me to go away until she fixed this. Why did I run? Read my book to
find out why I and everyone else should be afraid of the women at Bloid News.
At any rate, I decided that my best bet was to go back to Rick and find out
what was going on.
As I passed my desk, the phone rang and I turned to pick it
up. I should not have done that. Bill O’Reilly was laughing through the
earpiece and asking what was wrong with the Bloid. I hung up on him and checked
my voice mail. Yep, sure enough every reporter in America with a vested
interest in our failure was calling to gloat. I’d had enough. I barged into
Rick’s office determined to get some answers.
“First, I didn’t get any articles from you. I don’t know if
you failed to send them or they were lost in transit, but they weren’t here and
didn’t get in.” That was a fine how do you do. Before I could ask my next
question he shoved the keyboard away from him and looked up. “It’s a hot mess,”
he said, rubbing his palm across his scalp. “First everything was going fine
and then it wouldn’t let me post Jewel’s story on the Mexican Oracle, then
every story reverted to last issue. Now everything is back the way it should
be, but the Oracle story still won’t go.”
I looked confused. I know I did because when I get confused,
I get a confused look on my face. Rick shook his head and winced. “Is it the
Illuminati?” I asked, knowing this group had a raging hatred for Rick and Bloid
News.
“Don’t be silly,” he said shaking his head. "In a time
when the NSA and other overseeing lettered agencies are taking power unto
themselves we have to wonder what exactly was in this seemingly over the top
article to have it pulled. As of five minutes ago this article and this article
alone has been locked.”
“How’s Jewel taking it?” I asked.
“I haven’t told her yet,” he said. “I’m having enough
headaches without adding her melting down and causing a global panic from her
fury.”
If he were talking about anyone else, I would have thought
he was joking. But I’ve seen Jewel upset. Jewel upset is worse than most women
angry. Jewel angry has caused world leaders to retire and hide in witness
protection. One Middle-Eastern dictator hung himself to get away from her when
she found out he lied to her about weapons of mass destruction. As of 19:01 Zulu
on July 15, we still do not know why this one article is being banned by the
entire world wide web, but trust in Rick, Red and the rest of the Bloid News
team to make sure you get this explosive news item one way or another.
Knowing Jewel, she may just go door-to-door and tell
everyone. Let’s see the internet block that.
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