My life at Bloid News

Now that I've published the Bloid News novel, I find myself in the unique position of having so much story to tell and so little space to tell it. What was I to do? I decided to put it all here.

I'll start out by telling you the truth behind my latest story, which you can find at http://www.bloidnews.com/CONSPIRACY-CORNER.html You see, I was sitting at my desk the day that Malaysian Airlines flight 307 disappeared. I was looking into finding a neat little gag I could spring on my co-workers. I'd grow used to the background noises at the office, I mean let's face it, since the book came out, we've had a ton of new reporters come onto the staff and all of them are eager to get the next great story.

So, while several dozen cob reporters were chattering on about conspiracies, ghosts, zombies, the apocalypse and whatever, I was trying to decide if I should glue everyone to their seats or put superglue on the keys of their laptops. I was just looking into a recipe for a unique glue that would stick a butt to a chair without being detected when all of a sudden, all noise ceased in the office.

My first instinct was that someone had done something to me to make me deaf. If you've read my book, you'd know this was a valid concern. I clicked my tongue slightly to subtly determine that I wasn't deaf, so I turned in my chair to see what was going on. Everyone was staring at the TV in the newsroom. I figured that since I was able to move, this wasn't one of Ann's little devices that froze us all in time. I followed their gaze and looked at the TV myself.

CNN was showing a graphic of a flightpath coming out of Malaysia with a little red sunburst icon throbbing at a point a few miles from the start point. I assumed they were reporting on a crash, so I walked over and turned up the volume. Halfway through the report of the Malaysian Airlines flight 370's disappearance, Rick, the boss, came out of his office with a plane ticket and a grin. Every time I see this particular grin, I get nervous.

"Go get 'em, kid," he said as he shoved the ticket into my hand. I looked down and discovered that I had a one-way ticket to Kuala Lumpur. I was just given an assignment that was being covered by mainstream news agencies. This rarely happens. I was so excited that I totally ignored my discomfort (read fear) of flying and didn't even consider two terrifying facts.

1. The FAA and airline companies never have accidental crashes, flights that crash or disappear, usually do so because they are being scuttled to control operating costs.

2. My boss just handed me a freaking ONE WAY TICKET!!!

At this point of the narrative, I think it is important to inform you, my kind readers, that when you realize these two facts at 30,000 ft above the surface of the planet over the Pacific Ocean, you should not respond by shouting loudly "Holy Boeing Bombs! My boss just put me on a plane that's going to crash!" Seriously, never shout that when flying over the Pacific. You'll get tackled by half of the passengers on board, a very large and very aggressive Air Marshall will stick a Taser somewhere uncomfortable before turning it on and then you'll get detained.

So, the guy that searched me for explosives was obviously a former player for the NFL and wore a Superbowl ring. Six days later, I was still afraid to sit down even as I walked out of the detention center with a half-hearted apology from the Air Marshall and the Malaysian authorities. I suspect Rick's influence was the only thing that got me out of that jam, but I was still slightly annoyed with him.

The details of my investigation resulted in the story you read (or can read) on the Bloid News website at the address above. While you're there, check out the other amazing stories my co-workers found. I'll come back on Saturday to give you the details I couldn't fit into my report. Until then, keep a sharp eye out. You never know what secrets are hidden just below the surface.